Love and Divorce

“The look of love is in your eyes. A look your smile can’t disguise. The look of love is saying so much more than just words could ever say.” Those are words from a love song The Look of Love, written by Burt Bacharach & Hal David. Not long ago I sat in a court waiting for my turn to approach a judge concerning my client’s divorce matter. It was then that I noticed something about a man who had just finished having his divorce GRANTED. As he turned to leave, there was a look on his face that etched itself into my consciousness. He looked so resolute but also he looked deeply crushed. I imagined seeing him with a different expression on his face, in another public setting -on his wedding day. On that happy day he would have had The Look Of Love on his face and I wondered, where had the love he once had gone? 

Right after the sad man left a middle aged couple came forward. The husband was carrying a small plastic filing case in his hand which was no doubt filed with evidence to support his side of things but his lawyer paid no attention to what he carried.  This couple resembled each other as longtime spouses sometimes do. Their faces didn't betray any anger or sadness instead they just looked all business. Thoroughly ready to just get this divorce over with and get their property divided and to just move on. Their divorce too was GRANTED by the Court. I imagined them too as they may have looked on their wedding day: Him standing broad shouldered and smiling looking right at his bride and she the lovely bride dressed in her white gown, sharing The look of love with her beloved.  Where did their love go, why did it go? I really wanted to know because I never want to be in their shoes and carry that look of love's end on my face. There are just so many marriages in peril of coming apart like theirs aren't there? Or maybe your marriage already has ended. But if and when we find a new love what are the chances of the next marriage lasting? 

Perhaps we can take instruction from the Bible in Luke 8:1-15. This is the parable Jesus told about the soils. I will substitute the word love for the word seed in the parable just to illustrate a point. 

First off, there are those couples who do not marry for love. Perhaps they don’t even know what love is or maybe, love is simply not something that is essential to them. Their love is like the seed that falls along the path and is immediately eaten up by the birds. What little love they have, if any, is quickly taken away from their hearts before it can take root.

There are other people who fall in love quickly but perhaps their love is of a conditional or shallow nature. When their conditions are not met, the marriage is over. Their love is like the seed that falls on rocky soil. They love for awhile but when tested, they fall out of love and out of the marriage quickly.

Then there are some couples who I think are in the majority that marry for love. For awhile things are going just great in their life but then their feelings change. Their love gets choked out by life’s worries, riches and pleasures just like the seed that fell among the thorns; and when the plants grew they were choked out. My own marriage was most certainly one of these yet, I stubbornly and without justification cling to the belief that my marriage fell into the last category, the good soil category.

This last group which I believe it is a very small group, has a type of love that is like the seed that falls on good soil. In verse 15 it says; "Of noble and good heart retaining love and persevering to produce fruit." These lucky couples have the kind of  love that endures throughout their entire life together. 

I have known some couples who make marriage look easy but personally, I had to learn the hard way that marriage takes hard work and sacrifices. Consider the farmer who works the soil. Even with good soil, the farmer is not guaranteed a good crop. He still has to do backbreaking work tilling the soil, harvesting the crops and then repeating this hard work over and over again. The farmer must also be prepared for all manner of contingencies that may arise including bad weather and droughts. 

Perhaps we can gain hope from the realization that thorny soil conditions can be overcome through hard work like the farmer's. We will also receive lots of help from Jesus who is always ready to help us. When we are careful to do exactly as he says instead of relying on our own wisdom our marriage will succeed. Jesus will pour his love out into our hearts and this incredible love will overflow right into your spouse's heart. I have personally experienced this incredible miracle. By God's grace, I received much more than just a renewal of the love that I may have lost. I received a new love, a greater love than I had ever possessed before.  This is an experience that is too wonderful for anyone to miss. 

It has  been a few years since our marriage was transformed. But The look of love is still on our faces thanks be to God.  Good luck to all married couples and may God bless you with the will to work hard on your marriages and may you accept his help to succeed in your marriage. 

Super size that salad

Digging into my bowl shoveling green lettuce and red tomatoes into my mouth reminds me of the time the Earth was attacked by the Anortrists. They had sent down from orbit, giant siphons which carved up and stole everything green and alive that they touched. Shovel, shovel, shovel, on and on they went until they were satisfied. That is, until their storage bins were full. Then off they went back to their sterile, fake asteroid to eat. What we thought were naturally occurring ‘Acts of God’ like tornadoes and earthquakes were anything but that. These were the unnatural Acts of Aliens – though in a way; their behavior was natural enough, even earthly. You see aliens too have to eat; even though they didn't have the manners to ask first. I don’t recall Europeans asking the Indians for a continent first, how relatable they are to us.

Getting to "I love you!"

How to get to "I love you, Je t’aime or Te amo," when you meet somebody new?  For me this went very quickly because we 'clicked' right away when we first met. For some this love click takes a little longer.  What is this click? Well I don’t mean the Xhosa South African language click. The love click is when you suddenly realize that you like a person and there is nothing platonic about it. It is both an emotional connection and an intellectual one in equal measure. 

This doesn't mean that you will necessarily fully understand what it is you're feeling at that very moment. This realization will often come later but hopefully not too late. I say it’s an emotional reaction because you can feel it happen. It’s also an intellectual process because after some reflection and you still like the whole package, then take your shot at love. Sounds analytical but it worked for me and could work for you also.  Don’t forget to share with them how you feel and maybe play this song for good measure:  Don't Walk Away From Me one of my faves by Whitney Houston.

Fang Restaurant in San Francisco

Best Chinese food ever. Really!