WAR OF THE WORDS

An example of a classic non-apology will follow. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. The background story is that I played a hoax on one of my sisters; I shall call her Bernice. I sent her a fake letter saying that I was down and out, on the streets and eating out of garbage dumpsters. I didn't keep a copy of the letter; but at the time I sent it to my sister I had just seen her less than sixty days prior and everything was fine then.  Why she even fell for my hoax is a little perplexing; all she had to do was to call my house. Instead, she freaked out and called everyone else in a total panic. Later after she found out that she had been duped she was furious. What follows is my apology letter; purely for illustration purposes about non-apologies. I have grown since then and have never pulled off a prank like that one again. Neither did Orson; you’ll see what I mean by that latter.

Dear Bernice:

I sincerely apologize to you for mailing you what I call “The Shoe-less Joe letter." It was in fact a hoax and a poor attempt at humor. It was all fiction just like Orson Well’s famous (infamous) invasion from Mars radio broadcast. I really want you to know that I didn't intend any harm, only humor. Like Orson, I apparently did too convincing of a job and you believed all of it! Right down to the phony, slightly burned, greasy, soiled and wrinkled paper that I wrote it on. I now recall that there were accidents and injuries that resulted as people attempted to flee from imaginary Martian invaders back in the nineteen thirties. I really didn't anticipate that you would actually believe this fiction that I wrote. I envisioned that you would immediately call me up on the phone and that I would answer the phone safe and sound and very amused.

I doubt that Orson intended any harm either but nevertheless, his shortsightedness is now legendary. I want you to know that Sasha (my wife) also became pretty upset with me about my hoax and that we wound up having an argument. But she has now forgiven me for my lack of sensitivity and for my outright stupidity. I am truly sorry Bernice, please forgive me for frightening you.

Love,

Stupid (me)