Send a Telegram, Telegram, Telegram

Before there was an internet, before faxes, before telephones even, there was the telegram. Messages were sent over the telegraph using Morse code. They were extensively used and curiously written like modern texts are today.  Western Union was a company synonymous with telegrams, they discontinued the service in 2006. Oh, did I mention there was a song? Check out, Hey, Western Union Man by Jerry Butler. It wasn't the only song made using Western Union in the lyrics but I liked it.

I once wrote and faxed an essay concerning the telegram; here it is in its original form.

18, December 1996

Dear Lydia

So glad to get your fax –stop-

Yes, yes bon voyage to you and yours –stop-

The family send their love –stop-

Have a Merry Christmas too –stop-

Now can you send photos –stop-

Glad you have new clients –stop-

Can you send me any business –stop-

So, Yvette takes self & brother to school by bus –stop-

Sorry about the noise if this is late –stop-

WHY AM I WRITING LIKE THIS? THIS AINT NO TELEGRAM! –STOP-

Now I can’t stop! –stop-

I’M WARNING YOU TO STOP IT OR ELSE I’LL, I’LL…

You’ll what, -stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-

I’LL SCREAM, Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, I feel better now! I can write continuously.  I’m cured-YES! It’s about time.

My kids, Brigette and Alex are in the throes of Christmas anticipation. This is also their last week of school before winter break.  As for me, I’ll probably stop work for….Oh no! I think I just…I, I,I, said it again! –stop-

Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! –Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! – Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-stop-

Someday is Now Child

Ooh Child performed by the The Five Stairsteps was easily in the top ten of best crossover songs of the seventies. It has such energy, such hope, such earnestness. The song encourages us that things will get brighter, better and easier some day.  The child being encouraged in the song can either be young or old it works equally well. When I was younger, I hoped and believed in the words of the song and dreamed that they would come true for me someday. I wanted to, "Walk in the rays of a beautiful sun.” I am older now and I still love that song and surprisingly enough; the promises have come true for me.  Today, I do walk in the rays of a beautiful Son (Of God) every day. My life is brighter, better and easier because of Jesus Christ's grace and His many blessings. How remarkably true this song has been.

The WALMART Excuse

It makes no difference whom I’m talking with. I can be at any type of gathering or having a one on one conversation   -that’s going on for too long.  So when it’s time for me to go, all I have to say is, “Sorry I can’t stay, I have to go to WALMART!” Yes Walmart. For some strange reason most other excuses just don’t seem important enough to the other person. Try using the getaway excuse that you have to go grocery shopping, get a bite to eat, go to work or that you need to go home.  Didn't you feel some resistance or even a resentment from them for using one of these lame excuses? Don’t say you have to go to Target either, it doesn't get the same results.  But it always works when you say, "I am going to Walmart!" You’ll receive quick agreement, sympathy, understanding, and even partisan interest. Most importantly, you'll receive their gracious permission to leave right away.  I’m not suggesting that you lie. Maybe you meant that you’ll be going to Walmart in the near future and it was they who thought that you meant right now. I don't even know why the Walmart excuse works so well, it just does. Maybe it activates a shopping impulse in others by igniting a sudden urge, desire, or inclination for them to run over to Walmart themselves. Of course, every great excuse has an antidote. If you’re in a relationship with the name dropper just say, “Hey, I want to go to Walmart too, I'll go with you!” 

Insure Yourself Against the Uninsured

You have to insure yourself against the Uninsured. Buy Uninsured Motorists coverage for your vehicle before you get in an accident. It’s not that expensive and will save you from a major financial hassle. Cars get hit all the time by other cars that have no insurance. Check out this link.  If the car that hits yours has no insurance and you don’t have collision coverage on your own car; who pays to fix your car? You do. You will most likely have to pay for your own repairs or just live with driving a banged up car. If your car is totaled in the accident then you wind up with no car. Yes, you can try a lawsuit but if the guy you sue has no money are your problems over?

I am not an insurance agent and this is just common sense advice not legal. You should consult an insurance agent before you have an accident and consult with an attorney after you had an accident. Enough said.

The Street Van Man (Part 2)

Me with my van near Los Angeles, CA

Summer of 1977

Imagine a go anywhere, park anywhere, play anywhere private room. Like a study on wheels –no not a study. I carried no books and I read no books in my van that I can remember.  It was more like a very hip living room, bedroom combination where I sometimes entertained guests to the sound of cool music. My van was my only vehicle so naturally I drove it to work and everywhere else.  I considered it to be a truck –larger and roomier than any minivan used today for domestic errands. Of course it was not like a big eighteen wheeler either but on the highway, I did get their respect. The truckers probably thought, “Man, when I’m not hauling for work, I’d rather be in one of those party vans!”  Oh yeah some people thought it was just that, a party van.  I drove my street van like a truck too. Driving, parking and backing up using only my two door mounted rear view mirrors.  I followed trucker rules of the road too; I always used my turn signals, stayed to the right and at night I flashed my head lights to give the big rigs the all clear to change lanes. 

My van while air conditioned, was not equipped with any power accessories or with cruise control. But get me on the highway and I would cruise along just fine by using a method I developed that I call, “The Magic Foot.” The "Magic Foot" was what I called my unique ability to maintain a steady speed over a long stretch of highway -without mechanical help. Maybe I imagined that my ability to keep a steady speed is somehow unique. But I'm not so sure, people on the highway pass me all the time then slow up forcing me to have to go slower than I was going. That's so annoying, so then I have to pass them all over again do you know what I mean?

I loved driving that street van and I eventually took it coast to coast from the Jersey shore to Malibu beach California. I had one of the best times of my life on that cross country road trip and the experience, changed me forever. Maybe I'll do a latter post to share more about my road odyssey -stay tuned.

By the way, I met several Ford and Chevy van owners who also called their wheels a Street Van. The term therefore was not just limited to Dodge vans.

Three of my friends Victor, Debbie and Peg on a lunch break from work 

in East Orange, NJ sitting on the couch inside my van just prior to my road trip out west in 1977.

The Street Van Man (Part 1)

                                                

The Street Van Man

There was quite a Vanning craze going on in the Seventies that I am proud to say that I was a part of. I’m talking about customized full sized vans that owned the roads before there were any mini vans.

I traded my 1972 Chevy Vega to my older brother for his 1975 Dodge Tradesman 100 van in October of 1976.  Plus I took over his payments on the van which had about three thousand dollars remaining on the bank note. The reason I got such a great deal was because my brother had joined the Peace Corp and was going to be shipping out soon for Togo in Africa.  Obviously he couldn't take the van with him and obviously he could no longer pay for it. The van was a cargo model with windows but otherwise just an empty shell.  Neither my brother nor I did much customizing on the exterior of the van other than to put wider tires on it. I liked the color though; it was a deep copper color with white bumpers and looked cool with smoked black windows all around. Customizing the outside was something I was interested in doing but events in life overtook me and I never got around to doing it. My brother had done allot of customizing in the interior of the van by adding wood paneling on the ceiling and on the sides including each door panel.  He also carpeted the floor in the back in a burnt orange color. The van had two rear doors with windows, two side doors that opened like French doors with windows and the front driver and passenger doors. My brother had also installed dark window tint film on all the windows except for the rear door windows to which he applied one way see through patterned decals. He also covered each window with working curtains except for the driving compartment area. Also he built a platform for a bed out of wood in the rear of the cargo van space and a platform for a couch along the side of the van opposite the side doors. Above and just a little forward of the bed he installed a bubble top vent that could be cranked open for ventilation. In addition to all of that he installed a cassette tape deck with FM radio along with four speakers. Below is a black and white photograph of the the interior customizing of the van under construction. You can clearly see the two platforms for the bed and side couch through the open side doors. Note the added insulation inside of the doors and the curtains.

 It was already awesome, but once I became the owner of the Dodge Tradesman, I got right to work on making it even more awesome.  The first thing I did was to replace the factory driver’s and passenger chairs with two rich brown imitation leather captain’s chairs that swiveled and reclined -how about that? Also I replaced the front door trim with leather look vinyl coverings that matched the captain’s chairs and painted the headliner black.  I also changed the rear window decals to dark smoke tint matching the other windows; added an oscillating electric fan in the back; added a dashboard caddy for drinks and stuff; added molded backrest cushions for the bed and rear couch; added a portable black & white TV and table; added some special mood lighting to the ceiling and the piece the resistance was a curtain to completely shut off the rear compartment from the front cabin. When the front dividing curtain was drawn and all the window curtains closed the back of the van became very private.  You could not see inside from the outside even at night with the interior lights on.

Did owning a custom van change me? Definitely, what I now had on my hands was a “Street Van,” a rolling apartment which my dad cynically called the “pot wagon.” I became cooler to my friends, more independent from my parents and more confident all around.  I was still in college when I got these wheels and the road was calling me.  I was faithful to that call as you shall see by my adventures to follow. 

The Saint Valentine's Day Reversal

This Valentine’s Day was different from others at least it was for me.  In a complete role reversal my wife got me a card, chocolates and a gift (pajamas) and cooked me lamb chops. In staying within our budget all I did was to give her a card and three roses. I got her a humorous card though instead of the usual syrupy red or pink wife card.  Not that there is anything wrong with them, it's just that she has a whole collection of those already. Also, I am not a fan of the cards that play music or are the size of 30 inch TV screens. My card featured a caveman carving messages in stone like, “wife hot as fire, wife smell good, wife pretty like flower, wife think good.” I think I really scored on the “wife think good” one, but really I think it was the  “wife hot as fire” one that was as the French say, le coup de grâce.  My wife gave me a syrupy red husband card but after her showering me with love and affection who cares. 

This Valentines Day seemed a little different for others too.  Last night at the store I saw many men and women buying up cards, flowers and candy at the last minute. I could feel such energy and affection in the air.  It was cool to see so many lucky people out there that have someone. Love was the reason they were out there and me too. 

SS Independence Day - June 2010

I believe I sailed on the SS Independence more times than I did on the Constitution her sister ship. So it is fitting that I now report to you the sad details of the final end of the Independence in June of 2010. She didn't slip beneath the waves as her sister ship the Constitution did in a dignified manner. The SS Independence broke apart on a sandbar in Indian waters where she was languishing waiting to be used as scrap metal. In the picture above you will see the Independence in her pristine prime but below you will see some disturbing images of her undignified, ugly end so don't look if you cannot bear it. Maybe just sneak a peek through clenched eyes if that will help.

One of my strongest memories of the ship was when I was little more than eight or nine years old.  I had gotten separated from my two brothers and father who accompanied me on the sea voyage back to Morocco and I found myself lost on the big ship. I somehow ended up near the bridge.  I tearfully asked a man standing with his back to me for his help. He was a kind man with Captains stripes on his sleeves who asked me what my name was and he told me not to cry.  But I couldn't help but cry so he asked me if I would feel better if he let me drive the ship. Instantly I brightened up and said YES sir I would like that very much.

 He led me onto the bridge which was a large open room with big windows covering the entire front. There were no seats in the big room which I thought was strange. There were at least five other men spread out around the room just standing stiffly in one place.  The captain led me by the hand over to the ship’s wheel known as the helm.  He ordered the helmsman out of the way and he placed my small hands on the brass wheel which was much larger than a car’s steering wheel. The big wheel felt cold and I could feel a slight vibration running through it.  The captain said to me “you can turn it if you want to” so I turned it to the right slightly but nothing happened. “Turn it some more!” I was excited so I quickly spun it one whole revolution to the right and this time I felt movement. I felt the room sway slightly and the floor tilted towards the left, and simultaneously a bell rang twice. The captain burst out laughing making a sound like a braying donkey that frightened me. He grasped me by my shoulders to pull me away from the wheel but my hands were frozen to the wheel. He tugged harder and said “let it go you little ship wrecker," and laughed his terrible laugh again.  It was too much for me, I suddenly bolted for the door to run away.  One of the men reached for me but the captain said “let him go, he’ll not soon forget this little adventure if I dare say so.” 

He was wrong. I did forget about the incident, but on purpose. I suppressed this memory and it was only after seeing the photographs below 40 or more years after that experience that the memory resurfaced.  When I saw the ship of my dreams sinking beneath the waves my frightening experience on the bridge of the Independence rose from out of the depths of my psyche. How appropriate, the ship sank and my memories surfaced.

If anyone has any sea stories to share with me and with each other about either the Independence or the Constitution please feel free to do so, I’d love to hear about it. 

Very truly yours,

Joseph R. Hammond

The Washing of The Spears

The washing of the spears

Dear Eoples:

Not long ago the most annoying buzz word was Fax. All too often I would hear: Fax me, did you get my fax, just the fax mam and what’s your fax number? You do have a fax don’t you? So bowing to immense pressure I got a fax machine but that wasn't good enough was it. Now it’s e-mail this, e-mail that and blah, blah, blah, did you get my e-mail. I turn on my computer minding my own business and e-mail is waiting for me. I call someone on the phone and they helpfully suggest, “why don’t you just e-mail me?” Others will sneer at me and say “here's my web site, what’s yours?” Well I don’t have to take this. After today, I am going to get some wood fiber paper, a quill pen and sit at my desk and write you Eoples. Yes! Then I will have my servant lick the envelopes and fetch my signet ring so I can place my wax seal on the envelopes. Then by motor driven carriage I will carry the letters to the post office. I will instruct the postal clerk to mail these things by the slowest method possible. Then, hopefully via a slow boat to China you will receive my letters in six months or so. Yet I know what you Eoples really want. You want to continue to e-mail me to death. So if that is the way it is, I will fight back.

Call to Arms!!!!!

Neanderthals of the world unite! Never again shall we be driven out! Our fight now is not against oppression and tyranny; we must fight for our very right to survive. We will not give up without a fight. We will not go silently into the night as before. We declare that today is our independence day! My fellow low brows meet me tonight at Pride Rock. We will shout and whack our spears together. Then we will go out to do what we do best. We will hunt the evil Eoples down. All of them must pay. Then we will gather together in victory to celebrate –a washing of the spears.